Things can certainly turn on a dime. I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around what happened or how it went downhill so quickly. Looking back, it seems that the day was a bit off-kilter to begin with though so maybe it was doomed from the start. I was extremely stressed out all day with finances and work. Some things weren’t going well on a project for a client that I needed to get finished up so we can get paid. DW seemed constantly on edge.  And it probably didn’t help that by the end of the day we are both dead tired.

Despite all this, I was still enjoying the afterglow of day 8 and looking forward to getting things going. But I knew that with all the regular daily obligations, to-do’s, and kids it was going to be late again. Somehow we have to change that.

When we are finally alone (again in a darkened room with the baby’s white noise CD screaming in the corner) She is already laying in bed, naked and I strip and climb in with her. I am really wanting her and dying to kiss her. My cold sore isn’t totally healed yet so I can’t go for her lips. I come up behind her and snuggle up with my arms around her. I nibble on her ear and neck. There is a little spot on the right side just above her collar bone that is usually pretty sensitive in a good way and I go for that. She squirms and giggles a little but turns her body away. She tells me that she is probably going to need some K-Y today and asks me to get it. The request feels a little abrupt.

A few times during the day, I had tried to caress or reach out to DW with my hand or foot. Maybe I was little overbearing, maybe something totally unrelated was bothering her, or maybe it was all in my head, but it seemed that every time I did, she was a little irritated by it. This comes flooding back into my mind now and I feel a bit deflated. I get the K-Y and Lelo and bring them back to the bed. Lelo is in a silk bag so I open it first so that we don’t get K-Y on the fabric. DW sounds bugged that I am not opening up the ziploc baggie that contains the bottle of K-Y. It is pitch-black in the room and we need a little light so she can see where to put the drops on her vagina and clitoris. The light from Lelo’s LED isn’t quite bright enough so I have to get my cell phone and turn on the screen for more light. She seems to be getting more bugged by the minute. Turn the deflated meter a couple more notches but try to let it go.

She starts to use Lelo on herself and I lay next to her. I caress her neck and chest, and down her left breast. I am trying to stay clear of her sensitive right nipple, but when I get to her tummy she swats my hand away. What?? She says it tickles too much when I touch her tummy and that she gets major anxiety when I touch either of her breasts because of the sore right nipple. I get what she is saying about her nipple but am confused a bit because I have been caressing her in these other places for the past 7 days and it seemed like it was ok. I have been as careful as I can be not to touch the right nipple area, but now the left breast and tummy are off limits as well. We talk about it. She says it has been this way the entire time she has been breastfeeding. I don’t remember that. I try to salvage what I can of the mood and my libido by caressing her thigh but within a few moments, my hand is pushed away from there as well. I am now totally flustered and emotionally hurt. 🙁

But OK, so sometimes she just needs a little space. Sometimes it is distracting for her to have me caress her when she is trying to cum. I stop so she can focus on her… and because I am now at a complete loss as to what to do. Suddenly she stops and puts away the vibe. She is pissed.  “So you’re just done?” I ask. “Well, you’re not doing anything to help.” is the reply. What am I supposed to do when she doesn’t want me to touch her?? I don’t know what to say. And if I said anything, it would probably be the wrong thing and things will get worse. This bites. A minute later, the baby wakes up and starts to cry. I want to cry too.

Sometime in the middle of the night…. I wake up as she snuggles up to me and starts playing with my penis. It feels good and I instantly start to get hard. I feel happy that she still wants to do this tonight. I didn’t think she was going to touch me for a day or more and I had been certain that she didn’t want me to touch her at all.

I turn to face her and we embrace. I roll on top of her and she guides my penis inside. Despite this feeling SO good, I am still emotionally messed from earlier.  I try my hardest to push it all aside and just focus on the here and now. To just be in the moment and make love. It seriously feels so incredibly good to have her holding me and running her hands all over my body and my penis feels wonderful inside her. But the tip of my penis is totally numb. I am rock hard but I can’t feel anything there.  I clear out my mind, concentrating on the sensations.  I feel her hands on my body and her legs wrapped around me. I try several different thrusting positions, faster, slower, deeper, shallower. The pressure to perform is starting to make me self conscious. I realize that it isn’t going to get better. I should be ready to explode but instead I am starting to feel incredibly sad.

I tell her that I don’t think I am going to be able to cum. We stop. I can’t believe this is happening like this. I feel absolutely horrible and I am sure that she does too. She rolls over and I tickle her back for as long as I possibly can before sleep takes over. Tickling her back is one of the ways I say “I Love You.” I pray that she feels this right now.

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