Posts Tagged ‘sad’

Day 40

This past week we had off and on sex and finally I make the move to my beloved husband to say, “YES!” I want sex, again. I miss it!”

We had a hard day of baby up every 2 hours all night long. Baby is getting worse with the “up all night long” these days. I had a super depressed day of not wanting to do anything… all. I had my cousin call and basically force herself to come and visit me. It was a much needed visit, even though mostly unwanted, but it got me out of my funk and feeling good about life again, and about myself.

I do need time spent with my 4 cousins to feel happy in my life. And I also need some good time spent with my 3 sisters. If I don’t get that, I get really sad, I don’t feel supported and I get down and out. I did an in depth discussion with one of my sisters letting her know that I did not feel supported and I need her more in my life. I miss her so much I was sad all week about it. Hopefully she got the message and at least we will talk on the phone more often. I hope to see her and her kids soon.

I was wanting to get to bed early as I did the night before, but also wanted to spend time with the hubby before, just even for an hour. He was massaging my legs and feet while I caught up on a couple of shows on Hulu. We finally went to bed around midnight, and he was givin g me such a great back tickle. He had been giving me lots of back tickles this past week, since we only had sex 3 times last week. I finished my period last Friday, but was really sad and depressed and didn’t feel like doing anything ever. again. But I had noticed that I had sex dreams with my husband, and that I had the urges to just romp his bones, but in real life, I had my body telling me I was tired and depressed.

But last night as he was tickling me, I turned toward him and snuggled on the side and leg on top of his crotch area. I love to snuggle on him. I was tickling his front side, which I know he loves and always says he wants. I started tickling his penis and playing with it and tickling around that area. His penis got hard and he was loving it.

DH turned toward me and we put his penis inside of me, with him in that comfortable position where he is on top of me, but behind me, and on the side of me. How do I describe this? I’m going to have to come up with a photo, maybe one of those 3D photos DH gets. I was feeling great and loving it. We both were. It started to get awkward from that position, don’t really know why, but we changed it so that he was on top. I was worried that DH would start getting a hurt back, but that didn’t happen. He was about to cum, and I could tell it was a good one, when my phone went off, right as he was about to climax, “DROID!!!!” I’m startled, and think, CRAP! I forgot to turn my volume down on my phone and I have just ruined his orgasm. DAMNIT! Oh well. DH says, “Droid”, to reiterate what just happened and starts to laugh and so do I. I feel bad, but he says it’s okay. He did say it interrupted a really great orgasm, but oh well, it was fun and the DROID was funny.

I was going to ask to have him get the vibrator after DH came, but the DROID thing distracted me and we ended up just laughing about it, getting cleaned up and taking a shower. I thought, “Damn, I was going to try for an orgasm”. Oh well. I will try again. At least we are back in the saddle again.

I am also needing to make up for all the days I have missed blogging. The perfectionist in me wants to do a perfect job and make up all the days with perfect remembrance. And that I can’t move forward unless I do. I was also going to quit because we didn’t have sex a couple of days last week, mostly because of my period. Probably 100% because of my period. But I am not going to quit. I miss having sex with my husband. I miss blogging about it. I am also not going to be perfect in my day to day blogs. I am not going to edit or look back and perfect my blog post. They aren’t perfect anyway. I am not a good writer. I love to write. I do my best. And I am just going to journal my days of sex with my husband and not worry about perfection. If I do, this blog will never work for me.

Thanks, and I Love  ya.


I was determined not to have a repeat of day 9. Although it was a slight improvement, I can’t say it was what I had hoped.

It was another busy busy day. Our niece and nephew had slept over with the boys the night before and combined with all of the Saturday kids’ sports events that we had to shuttle around to, it was a madhouse here. We never got a chance to talk about the night before and despite all of my intentions, once again it is not until late that we have time alone.

I hadn’t done my day 9 post yet so we sit together on the sofa. She reads her book club book while I start typing. It is hard to collect and write my thoughts about the experience. I start, erase, and re-start several times. A few times I consider just writing “It fucking sucked” and being done with it. But somehow, I manage to pull the words together.  I am only about halfway through the account when DW begins to put her stuff away, brush her teeth, and get ready to head to the bedroom. Dang it, I do NOT want to have sex in there again tonight.

I save my work and close my laptop just in time to catch her before she goes in. I propose that we stay out here where we can see each other, where there is no white noise CD playing, and where we don’t have to worry about waking the baby. To my relief she agrees and we head for the couch. But she turns out the lights anyway. I really want this to work out and I start out kissing her face, lips, and neck. I am trying to be sensual and “feel” it. But dammit, there is this entire area between her hips and her neck that I’m not allowed to touch anymore. I move my hands to her legs to caress. Suddenly I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. I am not getting any kind of physical response from her. I feel like I am fumbling around like a 14-year-old. It is totally dark and I can’t see what she is doing or if my clumsy efforts are feeling at all good for her. Cue the over analyzing, self-conscious and self debasing head game screenplay; and I just might be winning an Emmy for “Worst Tragedy” tonight.

She can tell I am blowing it though and pulls me in close to her. Our bodies are pressing tightly together. We kiss a little and things are really feeling good. I am able to get back into the moment and my penis is hard. I go inside of her and we start having slow, yummy sex. We are both really enjoying things and it feels wonderful. But somewhere in the back of my mind, there is this cancerous reminder of how the night before had gone and my inner demons are still watching the movie. It is the only thing getting in the way of the here and now and I can’t shut them down. I am suddenly worried that I am taking too long to cum and I am going to hurt her. I changed the way I was thrusting to try to get more sensation to my dick so I can cum but now it is causing her to dry out a little.  Now I am worrying about this too. Good fuck. What is my problem? I suck. Why can’t I just have sex? The pressure to perform (cum) is on again and my inner Siskel & Ebert are tearing me apart. I get very sad and my penis turns off. I feel totally, totally worthless and impotent.

We go to bed where we snuggle for a little while and I tickle her back. She can tell I feel bad and tries to make me feel a little better with a squeeze. The baby wakes up and needs to be fed. I go back to writing my Day 9 post and feeling like shit.

Fast forward to 3:30 AM. Baby has awoken a second time, been fed again, and put back down. The 60 minutes of sleep I have had so far tonight helped calm me and even though I am still feeling pretty fragile,  I am kind of horny. Although we did technically have sex it didn’t end well and I am hoping for some sort of closure.  In retrospect, I was just setting myself up for failure.

I debated for a minute on whether or not to suggest it and finally decided to go for it. I snuggle up close to her. “You wanna wanna?”  (One of our long-time code words for sex) Her response isn’t super enthusiastic. Crap. But she does turn over to me. She feels my penis. “You’re not hard yet?” she says. Double Crap. Why didn’t I try to get it up before asking the question? Here comes the pressure. She plays with my dick for a short while to help me out. My stupid ass psyche is back playing mind games on me again and my dick is not responding quickly. She stops. “I dont wanna do this.” and turns back over the other way.

God dammit. My self critic is back in full swing. I am a fuck up. All the sadness and disappointment of the past two days floods back in a rush. I walk out of the room and spend the next 30 minutes staring at the darkness on the sofa. For that moment, I feel like I will never be the same again.


Things can certainly turn on a dime. I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around what happened or how it went downhill so quickly. Looking back, it seems that the day was a bit off-kilter to begin with though so maybe it was doomed from the start. I was extremely stressed out all day with finances and work. Some things weren’t going well on a project for a client that I needed to get finished up so we can get paid. DW seemed constantly on edge.  And it probably didn’t help that by the end of the day we are both dead tired.

Despite all this, I was still enjoying the afterglow of day 8 and looking forward to getting things going. But I knew that with all the regular daily obligations, to-do’s, and kids it was going to be late again. Somehow we have to change that.

When we are finally alone (again in a darkened room with the baby’s white noise CD screaming in the corner) She is already laying in bed, naked and I strip and climb in with her. I am really wanting her and dying to kiss her. My cold sore isn’t totally healed yet so I can’t go for her lips. I come up behind her and snuggle up with my arms around her. I nibble on her ear and neck. There is a little spot on the right side just above her collar bone that is usually pretty sensitive in a good way and I go for that. She squirms and giggles a little but turns her body away. She tells me that she is probably going to need some K-Y today and asks me to get it. The request feels a little abrupt.

A few times during the day, I had tried to caress or reach out to DW with my hand or foot. Maybe I was little overbearing, maybe something totally unrelated was bothering her, or maybe it was all in my head, but it seemed that every time I did, she was a little irritated by it. This comes flooding back into my mind now and I feel a bit deflated. I get the K-Y and Lelo and bring them back to the bed. Lelo is in a silk bag so I open it first so that we don’t get K-Y on the fabric. DW sounds bugged that I am not opening up the ziploc baggie that contains the bottle of K-Y. It is pitch-black in the room and we need a little light so she can see where to put the drops on her vagina and clitoris. The light from Lelo’s LED isn’t quite bright enough so I have to get my cell phone and turn on the screen for more light. She seems to be getting more bugged by the minute. Turn the deflated meter a couple more notches but try to let it go.

She starts to use Lelo on herself and I lay next to her. I caress her neck and chest, and down her left breast. I am trying to stay clear of her sensitive right nipple, but when I get to her tummy she swats my hand away. What?? She says it tickles too much when I touch her tummy and that she gets major anxiety when I touch either of her breasts because of the sore right nipple. I get what she is saying about her nipple but am confused a bit because I have been caressing her in these other places for the past 7 days and it seemed like it was ok. I have been as careful as I can be not to touch the right nipple area, but now the left breast and tummy are off limits as well. We talk about it. She says it has been this way the entire time she has been breastfeeding. I don’t remember that. I try to salvage what I can of the mood and my libido by caressing her thigh but within a few moments, my hand is pushed away from there as well. I am now totally flustered and emotionally hurt. 🙁

But OK, so sometimes she just needs a little space. Sometimes it is distracting for her to have me caress her when she is trying to cum. I stop so she can focus on her… and because I am now at a complete loss as to what to do. Suddenly she stops and puts away the vibe. She is pissed.  “So you’re just done?” I ask. “Well, you’re not doing anything to help.” is the reply. What am I supposed to do when she doesn’t want me to touch her?? I don’t know what to say. And if I said anything, it would probably be the wrong thing and things will get worse. This bites. A minute later, the baby wakes up and starts to cry. I want to cry too.

Sometime in the middle of the night…. I wake up as she snuggles up to me and starts playing with my penis. It feels good and I instantly start to get hard. I feel happy that she still wants to do this tonight. I didn’t think she was going to touch me for a day or more and I had been certain that she didn’t want me to touch her at all.

I turn to face her and we embrace. I roll on top of her and she guides my penis inside. Despite this feeling SO good, I am still emotionally messed from earlier.  I try my hardest to push it all aside and just focus on the here and now. To just be in the moment and make love. It seriously feels so incredibly good to have her holding me and running her hands all over my body and my penis feels wonderful inside her. But the tip of my penis is totally numb. I am rock hard but I can’t feel anything there.  I clear out my mind, concentrating on the sensations.  I feel her hands on my body and her legs wrapped around me. I try several different thrusting positions, faster, slower, deeper, shallower. The pressure to perform is starting to make me self conscious. I realize that it isn’t going to get better. I should be ready to explode but instead I am starting to feel incredibly sad.

I tell her that I don’t think I am going to be able to cum. We stop. I can’t believe this is happening like this. I feel absolutely horrible and I am sure that she does too. She rolls over and I tickle her back for as long as I possibly can before sleep takes over. Tickling her back is one of the ways I say “I Love You.” I pray that she feels this right now.

Day 9

A huge part of me thinks that we would never have sex if it wasn’t for me. That’s true. If I didn’t or don’t want to, we don’t have sex. But it is also true that if DH didn’t want to have sex we would not have sex either. He’s 1/2 the equation here. He has a say, too. For it, or against it.

I don’t know if it was a more tired day than others, the fact that I fell asleep sitting up in the couch with my mouth open at 4pm, which never happens, or that we finally got into bed at midnight. Tonight sucked. The whole thing was bad.

Same scenario as the night before, baby asleep in our room, white noise going, pitch black, completely perfect for a romantic evening, right? We are exhausted and I think, let’s just do this. I ask him if he just wants to go in me. He says, “Is that what you want to do?” yes… okay no. So I grab the LELO and have at it. Nothing. Then DH starts caressing me and starts with the breast area. Right now that is not a good place to start. I’ve told him a million times my nipples are on fire and have daggers living in them right now. I am feeling anxiety hoping that he doesn’t touch my nipples. Then he slides down to my tummy and that is super ticklish so I push his hand away. It was a complete natural response. It may have felt like I hit his hand away. Well, that wasn’t good. He stops touching me, it’s not working for me. I apologize and start to explain what was going on for me and that it was my issue and let’s get back into it. I may have pretty much killed the mood, so I stop the Lelo and turn over.

I guess we are not going to do it tonight. I was irate, pissed, mad at myself and mad at him. He doesn’t do anything to try to get things going again. He closes up and says nothing. He finally breaks the silence and says that he feels I don’t want to talk to him. Yes, I don’t want to talk but I am still in this commitment and want to have sex everyday. It’s important. Why doesn’t he try to start it up again? He knows I am in this. I started the sex. I said I was sorry and tried to maturely talk to him about what was going on with me, and not to do that again. It doesn’t mean that it is over. But nothing is said, he doesn’t respond, so I turn over. Pretty much what happens when we get in a fight. Typical. Lame. I’m hurt, and I am sure he is hurt.

The baby starts crying and wakes up, so DH gets him and I feed him. I think, well, after I feed the baby we’ll DO IT. Time will heal. Then the SNORE. It’s over, he is asleep, done for the night, not happenin’, nada. I am sad.

Next baby wake up call is at 3:30am. I feed him. I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept well all night since we didn’t have sex. Sick to my stomach. I’ve committed to something in my life right now, and I want to stick to it. Even if we are so mad at each other. Hate each other. What an experiment to keep having sex through all of that. HUH? Don’t you think? I was mad at him earlier in the day and thought, no way in hell are we having sex tonight. Maybe that’s what started this? Be careful what you say, you might just get it! I think it’s an awesome thought to have sex even though you don’t want to or are mad at each other. What happens to your relationship? Does it help? Hurt? Remove the hate and pain? Make you forget what happened? Even though I don’t want to have sex during those times of hatred, sadness and anger, I still want to have sex. We’ve never done this before. How great to try!

After I ask DH to get baby to his bed after second feeding he goes to the bathroom. Perfect. He won’t have to pee while having sex which usually distracts him. When he gets back to bed, he is instantly snoring. I tell myself 100 times to go wake him up to try to have sex. I finally get over there, about 4am. He moans with goodness that I am snuggling him. I start to caress him and play with him and get him hard. Believe me, this is not easy to do since I am still feeling mad and hurt. We turn over and he is on top of me, since usually this is the best position for him, and we go at it. I am wet,I AM WET and it’s feeling good and I am getting turned on. And from experience he loves me to wake him up in the middle of the night to have sex. He is always turned on . I know he is liking it, but he is not loving it. I can just tell that it’s probably not going to happen for him. But I think, no, eventually there will be a turning point. I ask DH if it is hurting him(like his back or knees), and he says no, but then he reveals that it’s not happenin’ for him and that he’s sorry.

Ouch. I am sad and hurt again. This never happens. I can remember one or two times that this has happened in our 13 year relationship. And it’s usually because we already did it that day, or his back is really hurting. Not because of a fight or that we were mad or hurt at each other. Hmmm….sad. It could be that it’s been 9 days straight of having sex. But I don’t believe that. His penis is mad at me.

I turn over and try to go to sleep. And I eventually do.

Day 7!

Wow! It’s been 7 days, a whole week of having sex everyday! I don’t think we’ve done that since we were dating. I mean, maybe close to that was after we got married or maybe during my second child’s pregnancy. If it wasn’t for this commitment, it would’ve been one time this week, not 7. Especially today!

I didn’t get out to exercise this morning, and that always starts the day out wrong. Baby hadn’t pooped in 3 days and was fussy, and I felt I needed to stay and feed him and get him back to sleep instead of go to exercise class I committed to with a friend.

This put me in a funk all day, and I was super tired. Baby slept from 10-2 which he never does, and I should have joined him. I’ve been trying to finish my bookclub book, and since I can only last a page or two before I fall asleep, I was determined to finish before next week. I felt yucky and tired and depressed and I thought, of all days, this day would not consist of sex.

DH was caressing me in the kitchen when we were getting dinner ready, and I said, “Stop”, and he said “we’re not having sex tonight, huh?” I start laughing and said, “What?! Of course we are, you keep saying that! You think I’m gonna quit, and I’m not! Maybe you’re the one that wants to quit, but you want me to so you don’t have to.” 🙂

We put all three kids to bed and baby in the hallway for the first run of sleep. It was 10pm and I was in bed trying to read, and DH comes into bed after putting baby to bed and lays down with all his clothes on exhausted and done for the day. He’s had back problems all day. He said he just got a rush of electricity go throughout his whole body. I asked him if he was dreaming, and he said he was awake. I said he might have a pinched nerve somewhere. I then say he’ll have to stay there so that I can get on top of him and not to move. He somehow is able to rip off his clothes.

I help DH with his clothes and throw them on the ground. I start with grabbing his penis and giving him a blow job. We haven’t done that in a while, maybe a month. It’s fun. I love giving bj’s, but he takes so long to have an orgasm with it, and sometimes it doesn’t happen. We usually have to finish off inside of me so I tend not to go down on him as much as I’d like, and I’m sure he’d like. It’s too bad. I should just go down for a little while at least. He loves it. But I think I must like to have an ending to the beginning, and a prize at the end of my effort, a pat on the back of sorts. Or sperm on his stomach. One or the other.

Anyway, DH is loving the BJ, and I am loving giving it. I am caressing all around him, his genital area, his inner thighs, legs, top of feet, up to his stomach and chest, then to his sides of his torso. Suddenly he goes crazy! Then I start to kiss his left side of his torso, and he goes nuts, moaning out of control and kind of spasming, and saying the F word at least a hundred times. I guess I hit a hot spot. I then so from kissing to licking, and it’s beyond out of control. I am laughing and loving it, and he is shaking and loving it and laughing but seriously out of control loving it. I go to his other side, he goes crazy, then down his sides to his front hip areas, left and right sides and lick, kiss and suck. He is in another dimension! I tickle his whole body and face and kiss it and he is in heaven, and beyond! I think I will try this again sometime. 🙂

He is so hard and sticking straight up and I can’t resist going on top of him and have him inside me. We have sex for a while with me on top. It’s fun and I love being on top.

He isn’t cumming, so I get off and lay there, and I’m thinking I’m done. I’m starting to dry up, ya, that bums me out just saying it. I start to get sad that he has a harder time reaching orgasm with me on top, just like with a blow job. I’m bummed because it was so awesome a second or two ago, but suddenly, wa wa wa. He asked if I wanted a buzz, I say, no. I’m kind of depleted. He says let’s just snuggle, but I said No, I want to finish. Which is true, I don’t want it to end like this.

I tell the DH he needs to get on top, even though his back hurts. We go at it, but then I realize I need some lube. After I get that, it’s good and smooth and starts to feel good again. The baby starts to cry. But we get into it, and I caress him down by his penis and he loves that, and he starts to cum and it looks like a really good orgasm. And he said it was. And I was happy that we had a happy ending 🙂 I was thinking of having one myself, but the baby was screaming at this point. As he is right now as I am writing!!! Goodnight!