Our Daily Sex

Posts Tagged ‘mad’

A huge part of me thinks that we would never have sex if it wasn’t for me. That’s true. If I didn’t or don’t want to, we don’t have sex. But it is also true that if DH didn’t want to have sex we would not have sex either. He’s 1/2 the equation here. He has a say, too. For it, or against it.

I don’t know if it was a more tired day than others, the fact that I fell asleep sitting up in the couch with my mouth open at 4pm, which never happens, or that we finally got into bed at midnight. Tonight sucked. The whole thing was bad.

Same scenario as the night before, baby asleep in our room, white noise going, pitch black, completely perfect for a romantic evening, right? We are exhausted and I think, let’s just do this. I ask him if he just wants to go in me. He says, “Is that what you want to do?” yes… okay no. So I grab the LELO and have at it. Nothing. Then DH starts caressing me and starts with the breast area. Right now that is not a good place to start. I’ve told him a million times my nipples are on fire and have daggers living in them right now. I am feeling anxiety hoping that he doesn’t touch my nipples. Then he slides down to my tummy and that is super ticklish so I push his hand away. It was a complete natural response. It may have felt like I hit his hand away. Well, that wasn’t good. He stops touching me, it’s not working for me. I apologize and start to explain what was going on for me and that it was my issue and let’s get back into it. I may have pretty much killed the mood, so I stop the Lelo and turn over.

I guess we are not going to do it tonight. I was irate, pissed, mad at myself and mad at him. He doesn’t do anything to try to get things going again. He closes up and says nothing. He finally breaks the silence and says that he feels I don’t want to talk to him. Yes, I don’t want to talk but I am still in this commitment and want to have sex everyday. It’s important. Why doesn’t he try to start it up again? He knows I am in this. I started the sex. I said I was sorry and tried to maturely talk to him about what was going on with me, and not to do that again. It doesn’t mean that it is over. But nothing is said, he doesn’t respond, so I turn over. Pretty much what happens when we get in a fight. Typical. Lame. I’m hurt, and I am sure he is hurt.

The baby starts crying and wakes up, so DH gets him and I feed him. I think, well, after I feed the baby we’ll DO IT. Time will heal. Then the SNORE. It’s over, he is asleep, done for the night, not happenin’, nada. I am sad.

Next baby wake up call is at 3:30am. I feed him. I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept well all night since we didn’t have sex. Sick to my stomach. I’ve committed to something in my life right now, and I want to stick to it. Even if we are so mad at each other. Hate each other. What an experiment to keep having sex through all of that. HUH? Don’t you think? I was mad at him earlier in the day and thought, no way in hell are we having sex tonight. Maybe that’s what started this? Be careful what you say, you might just get it! I think it’s an awesome thought to have sex even though you don’t want to or are mad at each other. What happens to your relationship? Does it help? Hurt? Remove the hate and pain? Make you forget what happened? Even though I don’t want to have sex during those times of hatred, sadness and anger, I still want to have sex. We’ve never done this before. How great to try!

After I ask DH to get baby to his bed after second feeding he goes to the bathroom. Perfect. He won’t have to pee while having sex which usually distracts him. When he gets back to bed, he is instantly snoring. I tell myself 100 times to go wake him up to try to have sex. I finally get over there, about 4am. He moans with goodness that I am snuggling him. I start to caress him and play with him and get him hard. Believe me, this is not easy to do since I am still feeling mad and hurt. We turn over and he is on top of me, since usually this is the best position for him, and we go at it. I am wet,I AM WET and it’s feeling good and I am getting turned on. And from experience he loves me to wake him up in the middle of the night to have sex. He is always turned on . I know he is liking it, but he is not loving it. I can just tell that it’s probably not going to happen for him. But I think, no, eventually there will be a turning point. I ask DH if it is hurting him(like his back or knees), and he says no, but then he reveals that it’s not happenin’ for him and that he’s sorry.

Ouch. I am sad and hurt again. This never happens. I can remember one or two times that this has happened in our 13 year relationship. And it’s usually because we already did it that day, or his back is really hurting. Not because of a fight or that we were mad or hurt at each other. Hmmm….sad. It could be that it’s been 9 days straight of having sex. But I don’t believe that. His penis is mad at me.

I turn over and try to go to sleep. And I eventually do.